Dear Aunty Flo,
This is the moment where I tell you that NOBODY LIKES YOU. Including me. You know how everyone has that aunty that they pretend to love but secretly hate? Well, in my case, it’s you. So, take your four-to-twelve tablespoonfuls (on average) of blood leaking from my uterus even after we’ve shoved a tampon up there for the 1895736000th time, take your cramping, gather up the hormone-induced-rage tears that stream from my eyes for no reason at all and bugger off. That would be great. K thx bye.
As you may have guessed, at the moment, it is shark week. As in, at this very moment, I am on my period and will attack ANYTHING and ANYONE that gets in my way. As in, if you: look at me funny, breathe too loudly, try and talk to me when I’m in the middle of doing something, silently shake your head at me when I’m demolishing my third chocolate brownie of the day, if you jiggle your leg repeatedly under the table so I can feel it, if you tell me something that you know is going to make me really mad, like “Oh sorry, I didn’t know if you wanted any more chips so I finished them all off” AND if you blame my genuine emotions on how it’s just that time of the month, then, well I will SMACK YOU TO HIGH HEAVEN AND BACK.
Especially if you look at me weirdly when I ask if there’s anything else to eat because I’ve just eaten a whole plateful of food and I’m STILL hungry. I’m the sort of person who, 90% of the time is usually always hungry, but at this particular time of the month, I am always absolutely bloody starving. All the time. The other night around 9pm, I lay in bed in my pyjamas, happily shovelling down a Nutella chocolate chip MUG CAKE brownie just because I had a massive craving for anything mud-cake related. The next night, I polished off what was left of massive Cadbury chocolate block and was sad because it was all gone. (This was also the same night I set my own hair on fire with a candle, but let’s not talk about that right now.) But it was ok in the end cause Sven bought me some chocolate and gave me big cuddles and all was well. Thank God for boyfriends, right?
Ladies, this post is dedicated to all of you who are suffering from getting drenched and battered from the dreaded red wave that rolls around every month or so. And guys, this is also dedicated to those of you who have to put up with your girlfriends during this emotionally draining, stressful, angry, junk-food craving time. (Can I get a “PREACH, GIRL! Say it again for the people in the back!?”)
But fear not, for I’ve come up with a list of ways you can survive this. (Plus periods aren’t all bad, for those of us young ‘us with big dreams of travelling the world, starting your own company, buying a house and having all these things we want to do first up = NO BABIES). So, grab your nearest block of chocolate and snuggle up in bed, for I present to you…
Bindy’s Guide On Swimming With The Sharks: Like swimming with dolphins, but not as nice. Much more blood involved, and the feeling that minature sharks are attacking your uterus from the inside out. You’re welcome for the visual.
1. Treat yo’self. I do this anyway, but during this time, you have more of an excuse. You’re hormonal, you’re tired, and who cares if you happen to visit Kmart, Typo or Whitcoull’s more than once in a day and spend way too much? Plus, it gives you the excuse to buy food as well because you’ve just spent a day at work and honestly cannot be bothered to cook once you get home. Onwards, my honourable companions! To KFC!
2. Eat. And eat more. I only had to mention at work at the cafe yesterday that I was going to buy something else to eat on my break as well because I was just so hungry, and my manager turned to me and she was like, “Have you got your period?” and I was like, “Yep.” Our bodies are using so much energy helping the lining of our uteruses (is that the correct plural?) to shed and keeping us moving round that it’s no wonder we’re so exhausted and hungry all the time. So, put simply, you need to eat. Comfort foods like lasagna, cheesy mashed potatoes and chicken carbonara pasta are some of my favourites. Ohhh this part is making me so hungry…
3. You don’t have to go to the gym. For gym goers like myself who tend to go to the Church of Gains every couple of days or so, it feels a bit strange if I let myself go for a few days. At the moment, it’s a beautiful sunny day outside and usually, I would be headed gym-wards, but today? NO. Instead, I am still in my pyjamas and writing you this blog post. I don’t have to worry about getting all sweaty, legs getting tired and running out of energy before I have to go to work. In fact, going to the gym is one of the LAST things on my mind.
4. Feeling down? Watch a funny movie.
Or your favourite TV shows. Or funny videos on Youtube. I’m binge-watching my way through Friends at the moment and that show is one of the best things ever. I’m also a big fan of British comedy, so shows like Keeping Up Appearances and Vicar of Dibley are top of my list as well. Which brings us on to…
5. The best thing your boyfriend can ever do for you is watch your favourite girly movies with you. Last Saturday night, Sven came over, brought snacks (chips and a whole box of Scorched Almonds!!! – cue heart eyes), he let me wear his super comfy hoodie and we cuddled and watched the second Bridget Jones movie together. Best. Date. Night. Ever.
6. Have a DIY makeover night. You can do this either solo, or get a group of your girlfriends together to do your nails, hair, makeup, facials, whatever floats your boat. Have a cheeky wine while flicking through Cosmopolitan, play your favourite songs generally feel gorgeous, like the princess you are. Then the next day, flaunt your new nails at your local KFC. You can also go and get your chosen beauty treatment professionally done, but let’s be honest, what’s the point of getting a wax down there when you’re bleeding from your nether regions? (Also, if you’re poor like me, it’s a lot cheaper to just do it yourself).
7. CHOCOLATE. You can eat as much of the stuff as you want without really needing to feel guilty. Dark chocolate is apparently good for you (in moderation, but who the hell wants to eat in moderation really? Apparently it’s four squares). FOUR SQUARES?! What the hell is this??
8. And HEAT PACKS. Even if it’s the middle of summer and it’s really warm outside, sometimes you just need a wheat bag or hot water bottle to ease the uncomfortable cramping pains. I’ve had to do this once when it got really bad, and my relief when I got my wheat bag out of the microwave was indescribable. Kath from Kath & Kim is on the right track whenever disaster strikes. “Kel, get the boomerang pillow from upstairs, I’ll out a wheat bag in the microwave…”
I hope that this has provided a bit of light relief to lasses and lads alike, whether you’re halfway through Shark Week like I am, or about to start/finish it. If you’re looking for me, you can find me in my room, watching Friends with Noel, making my way through a block of Whittaker’s and giving 0 fucks about the fact that I’m wearing what I call my ‘period undies’ and that the BF is coming to visit any minute now and I’m still wearing pyjamas because they’re comfy.