Hey everyone. I hope you’re having a nice time, wherever you may be in the world. Whether the sun is rising and you’re ready to start a new day with a breakfast of toast and muesli in bed, or whether it’s five o’clock and you’re getting ready to head out for a drink with your mates, then hello and good day/night to you.
But truth be told, I’ve been through some tough stuff lately. Mainly involving a breakup with my boyfriend of nearly three years, which was utterly heartbreaking for both of us. Basically, I cried A LOT of tears beforehand and this was an experience I hope I will never have to repeat in my entire life. For those of you who have been through a breakup, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, then you will all know the feeling. A lot like your heart is being trodden on by a horde of stampeding rhinoceroses and hippopotamuses. After a breakup, the shock of finding oneself single again can potentially trigger a series of different reactions, including crying hysterically, going on an angry bitch-ridden rampage, and eating everything in sight. And this was my first proper breakup ever, so I had no idea how I was going to react. I ended up demolishing half a chocolate cake and an Oreo Cream Egg in the car on the way home, then visiting Carl’s Jr with my best friend and getting takeaway, and finally watching episodes of Kath and Kim while making my way through a burger and a heap of artery-clogging crisscut fries with a side of bacon and sour cream in an effort to keep the tears at bay. Because that’s what girls are supposed to do after a breakup, aren’t they. I certainly felt a bit ill afterwards though, let me tell you.
A few days and deep breaths later, I’ve dried my tears and am ready to move along with my life. I have a new flat to move into in a week or so, I’m looking for a new job and am going to start planning my OE very soon. But perhaps there are some people reading this who are able to raise their hand and say, “Yep, I know exactly how you feel. Been there, done that.” Maybe afterwards, you felt incredibly happy and spent the night dancing around to Little Mix’s ‘Shout Out To My Ex’, thrilled to be out of a relationship where the person you were with was (let’s be honest) a complete and utter tool. But for those of you who, like me, cried a fair bit, ate a lot of food and went to bed that night feeling a bit sad and lonely, this is for you. But luckily I had my giant teddy bear Noel as a cuddle buddy…which, ironically, my ex got me for Christmas last year.
Say it with me now…BREAKUPS ARE THE WORST.
But not to worry. To add a bit of humour into what is indeed a grim and heart-wrenching situation, I have compiled a list of five ways girls may react after a breakup. Keep in mind that this is based on 50% research from Cosmopolitan articles and 50% from scenes from movies. It’s also not meant to be taken too seriously, and I wrote in the hope that it might make you smile or even laugh a little bit. I may not be Samantha from Sex And The City, but I hope you learn a bit from this.
The 5 Types Of Reactions Girls May Have After A Breakup From Their Boyfriend:
- The Girl Who Cries Hysterically And Eats Everything In Sight:
I’ve seen plenty of this in movies. Guy breaks up with girl, and the scene following is of her sobbing into a half-eaten carton of ice cream, surrounded by her best friends who are trying to console her without much success. Phrases such as, “I thought he really loved meeee…we were going to get married and adopt a puppy together,” and, “Oh God…I’m so lonely and single and loneleeeey…” trail off and are followed by loud, noisy sobs as she shoves more cake/ice cream/hamburger into her mouth. The interval of food-in-mouth gives her a brief opportunity for her to feel even more alone and sorry for herself, before she launches into a tirade of more sob-filled sentences. When around this type, proceed with caution.
2. The Girl Who Gets Really Drunk And Just Can’t Stop Bitching About Her Ex:
Oh dear. Alcohol and unhappiness are a dangerous mix, particularly after a breakup when things were thought to be going great. For one night only, this type pops open a bottle of vodka, consumes at least half the bottle and spends the night scrolling up and down her ex’s Instagram feed, muttering things like, “He’s never going to find anyone as good as me…I can’t believe I used to date him,” and, “Seriously, what is with his hair in that photo? He looks like a forty-year old hippie who drinks tea made of wheatgrass. Wish I had chopped off his man-bun in his sleep when I had the chance.” They then unfollow their ex on all social media platforms and post at least one status with the hashtags #havingagreatnight #singleandreadytomingle #funtimes. It is only then they start to cry and eventually pass out on the floor among the nearly-empty bottle of vodka and empty bags of Pods and potato chips, with the TV playing reruns of Friends in the background.
3. The Girl Who Has Her Heart Set On Becoming A Crazy Cat Lady:
I am not ashamed to admit that I am a total cat person. Even though I feel my cat Cocoa can sometimes be the most sassy, uncaring feline on the planet, I do love her, and like to think that she loves me a little bit too. But this type of girl takes it to a whole other level. It starts off with her telling everyone that she’ll end up living alone, in a big house with seventy-two cats who all have their own little bedrooms and names engraved into their food dishes. She had every last detail planned out, from what she is going to name them all, right up to the massive van she’ll drive them around in so that they can all go to the seaside for a holiday. If she has a cat already, she might adopt a couple more “just so Ginger doesn’t get lonely during the day while I’m out.” And if she lives in a flat that doesn’t allow pets, she will happily fill up her room with soft toy cats until she is able to move out and get a real one. (Note: it is very unlikely this is even going to happen – but you NEVER KNOW).
4. The Girl Who Thinks She’s Fine But Really Isn’t:
Some girls spend a couple of weeks or months mourning over what could have been before dusting themselves down and carrying on with life. Yet some seem to bounce right back again and get themselves a new boyfriend within two weeks. (Taylor Swift, I’m looking at you). These types of girls are usually ones who attempt to convince themselves that, after a spray-tan, a manicure and half a new wardrobe, they are better off without their ex boyfriend. They’ll sing loudly and dance along to Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ as they get ready in the morning, refusing to let any thoughts of said ex-boyfriend creep into their mind and spoil the mood. However, their mood is suddenly ruined when they are later watching The Notebook for the millionth time, and the romantic kissing scene in the rain between Noah and Ally causes them to break down in tears, howl miserably, and pull the covers up over their head.
5. The Girl Who Listens To Sad Music And Cries A Lot:
It’s ironic that Spotify’s ‘Broken Heart’ playlist features songs that, instead of filling the listener with a kick-arse ‘I’m-an-independent-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man attitude, simply aim to make a person feel worse about themselves. But on the flip side, some of these bangers are great for belting out at full volume and making one feel like a star contestant on the X-Factor. Typically, this last example of girl both enjoys a) music and b) a good sing-along. However, when she is by herself, usually in the car while the rain is pouring down outside, she will turn the stereo up to full volume and sing along to Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’, tears pouring down her face and the occasional hiccuping noise as she tries to keep herself under control enough to actually SING. Next to follow is ‘Stay With Me’ by Sam Smith, and lastly, a version of the classic ‘version of ‘All By Myself’ from Bridget Jones’ Diary’. So, yep.
But guess what? Even though you may feel terribly sad and want to hide away from the world like a hermit crab, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. Breakups are not the same for everyone, and we all react to them in different ways. Your broken heart will heal, and it may take a long while to do so, but in the meantime, do things that make you feel happy, don’t be afraid to lean on friends or family for extra support, and finally, go do you.
Because you’re gorgeous and don’t you dare forget it.